Thursday, May 21, 2009

hold onto yer panties

new content's on it's way!

C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

TMI

How about that swine flu, huh?  Actually, how about all that news coverage?  Non-stop and incredibly accurate!  No speculation or conjecture what so ever!  Swine flu this, swine flu that.  Pandemic this, pandemic that.  End of days this, end of days that.  Sheesh!  It’s enough to make you want to plastic wrap your kids before they leave the house.  If you let them leave the house, that is.


And make sure you don't eat any pig products, kids! Don't take any chances!!!


 
Here’s the thing, though.  News is not entertainment.  We might treat it as such, but it’s not.  Whether it’s swine flu, bail-outs, or Miss California, news isn’t meant to be consumed continuously.  Just because it’s on for 24 hours, doesn’t mean you have to watch it that much.  You get your information and you get the hell out.  We have to learn to walk away from this stuff.  Seriously.  Except for a small minority of folks, we don’t need to be in constant contact with the news.  Your vigilance of H1N1 doesn’t make you more prepared.  It only makes you more paranoid.




 
It’s all meant to scare the shit out of you.  Because fear sells.  Fear packs the asses in the seats.  Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the predictable news teaser that goes something like this:  “What condiment in your refrigerator could be killing you?”  Or:  “The killer in your child’s toy box.”  Then they go to commercial.  It’s called a teaser for a reason you morons!!!  It’s so you’ll sit there through the commercials about medications that you don’t need, like the lemmings you are.  And the condiment that could be killing you?  Turns out to be ketchup that’s been sitting in the fridge for 90 years that some moron decide to chug, choke on and die.  And the killer in your kid’s toy box?  Oh, that’s the legos you keep stepping on.  The ones you keep yelling at your kids to pick up.  The very same legos that caused your heart to seize ‘cause you were ranting like a lunatic again from all the stress you’re under.  That’s the killer in your kids toy box.  And the news does it night after night.


There’s a world of hurt right there


 
And look what ended up happening with the swine flu.  The media pumped the hell out of it.  We all watched every last second of the coverage.  We we’re all sure that a pandemic was on our hands and, oh, wait a minute. Ummmm...it’s not as bad as we thought.  Ummmm…everything’s ok now.  Go about your business. Until we’re ready to scare you again, that is. Which will be in about 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
 

Are zombies attacking? Full story at 11


Now look, I’m not saying turn a blind eye or not be aware of the world around you.  I’m just saying get your information, then go about your business.  Turn the freakin’ TV off, for the love of the Christ!  We can’t wait for the news to stop spreading paranoia.  That’s their job.  We’ve gotta walk away from it.
 
Now I’m gonna go check out CNN.  I hear that baby seals have suddenly grown thumbs and they’re really pissed.  The baby seals, not CNN.
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What is a fine powder consisting of microgametophytes?

Maybe you’ve noticed the lack of quality content around here, lately. And you’re probably wondering: “WTF!!!” Am I right? You’ve probably been wondering: “What’s up with this jackhole, anyway? Is Jman giving up already? It must be another woman.” Well, if that’s what you’re wondering, you couldn’t be more wrong. You want to know what’s up? You want to know what my damage is? It’s this:



It ain’t fucking sweet-tarts


No, it’s not swine flu. It’s pollen. Fucking pollen. Specifically this fucker:


Know thy enemy


Oak pollen. Stupid Oaks! I’ve got half a mind to rent a few chain saws and go on an oak tree massacre. I mean for the love of all that’s holy!!! The last two weeks or so have been MISERABLE! My brain hurts. My mind hurts. Ughhh! I can’t take it! You know what I’m talking about. The sneezing. The mucus congealing in your throat. The snot that just runs out of your nose and you don’t even know it, ‘til it’s hitting your lower lip. I’m sick of it!


Yea. That about sums it up



And that’s not even the worst part. If the zombies ever take over in early spring, I’m fucked. Because I’m sure some zombie-hunter will mistake me for a flesh-eater. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel like I haven’t slept a wink in days. God damn sinuses!!! If this tree-blooming season takes any longer, I’m gonna punch some holes into my sinus cavities. With a spoon!

And every year “they” say: “Oh! This is a bad year for pollen.” Saying shit like that is like when the weatherman starts yaking about the humidity on the world’s hottest day. If it’s hot...it’s fucking hot! Who gives a shit about the humidity! Or the wind chill factor in winter time. It’s fucking cold. Likewise, don’t sell me this shit that this is a bad year for pollen. EVERY FUCKING YEAR IS A BAD YEAR FOR POLLEN!


god i love the smell of pollen in the morning!


My question for you is...do you even know what pollen is? Yea, sure it’s the filth covering your car every morning. But, do you know what it really is?


How the fuck does this microscopic cell of emptiness cause so much misery?!?


Let me dumb it down a shade for you non-scientician types in the audience. Pollen is flower sperm. Yea, you read that right. SPERM!!! Could it possibly get any worse? Nah...don't answer that.


Just in case you need a visual


Just remember...it's supposed to be a bad year for pollen! Now, you'll excuse me, while I go hack up a tonsillolith.
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Where's your Obama now???

Huffington Post The Senate on Thursday rejected an effort to stave off home foreclosures by a vote of 51 to 45. It was an overwhelming defeat, with the bill's backers falling 15 votes short -- a quarter of the Democratic caucus -- of the 60 needed to cut off debate and move to a final vote.

The death of the bankruptcy reform measure -- which would have allowed a small number of homeowners who met strict conditions to renegotiate mortgages under bankruptcy protection -- is a major tactical win for the banking industry. But allowing the foreclosure crisis to continue unabated may end up being a failed strategy for the financial sector.


Let me ask you something...why is the banking industry getting a “major tactical win”? Didn’t we just give them a shitload of money? How do they get a say in anything? I don’t get it. No. That’s not true. I do get it. We’ve got mega-banks that have been bailed out to the tune of trillions of our tax dollars. Then, not only do they NOT lend said trillions, but they used that money to lobby the government to kill the foreclosure/bankruptcy bill. And the Congress went right along with it. Surprise!!!! So, the homeowner who’s in trouble keeps getting fucked, and the mega-banks laugh all the way to the, well, bank.

This is why change, real change, doesn’t come from the government. The government doesn’t give shit one about you or me. They only care about the dollars. And where they’re coming from. So, you might as well get used to the same players making more and more money. Because it doesn’t seem like there are enough people mad enough to make things change.

But, you know, there’s that whole swine flu thing you gotta know every last detail about...

C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Monday, April 27, 2009

Peapod

Chicago Sun-Times...Chrysler's Peapod is the company's entry into an increasing amount of Neighborhood Electric Vehicles (NEVs) that are making their way to urban streets. The four-seat hipster carrier has a range of 30 miles and goes on sale today to mark Earth Day.

One perk of owning a Peapod is that your chances of getting a speeding ticket are markedly reduced due to the fact that it tops out at a paltry 25 mph. This also means you'll have a good excuse for avoiding the Eisenhower at all costs...

 

i don’t like the way that thing is lookin’ at me


I’ve got to hand it to Chrysler.  This is a great idea.  And guess what?  It only took two years to create, from concept to production. Two things, though.  Can’t they make these things cooler looking?  Like more sports carish?  Or, I don’t know.  Less hippish?  Can’t they put some badass graphics on it or something?  And the name…c’mon!  You want people to buy this right?  Peapod.  Yea, it's cute.  But, baby seals are cute, too.  Look what we do to them.


now that’s more like it!!!

 
And it only goes 25 mph.  Now I know that’s the point. But, I live in a heavily traveled, lead footed, eat-or-be-eaten, suburb.  This thing has got to be a smidge faster.  Just imagine going down this road with that happy little thing.


not for the feint of heart.

 
Believe you me, you don’t want to fuck with the drivers on that road! And in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t even make it out of my driveway without being crushed to death in the Peapod. You should see the way the kids drive their coupe’s down my block!!!


kids are totally reckless in these things


  C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pitch a Bitch: Broadband

Ahhhhh…one of my many pet peeves:  The cost of internet access.  I started ranting about this back here, when AT&T announced their “subsidized” netbook test program.  Since then, there’s been a lot of talk in the news lately about broadband.  Two weeks ago, the FCC announced it’s initiative to bring broadband to rural areas.  Which, is great!  Broadband for the masses!  Make it low-cost broadband and I’ll be here to stay! 
 

 

And now, we’ve got Time/Warner back-peddling off it’s announced test program of tiered internet access.  The plan would’ve charged users by bandwidth usage.  Depending which report you read, the uppermost tier paying $150/month for either unlimited downloads or a cap of 100 gigs.  But, a few days ago Time/Warner started backing away from the plan.  Nice!  Between this and the FCC initiative, maybe we’ll finally see some low cost broadband!
 
Doubt it.  Call me a pessimist, but not only is low cost broadband NOT gonna happen, I can guaren-damn-tee this tiered internet access IS gonna happen.  Why?  For the same reason the price of gas is gonna go up.  Or the same reason banks charge ridiculous fees.  The reason you ask?  Simple.  Because they can!  We need them more than they need us.  What are you gonna do?  Not drive your car if gas is 5 bucks a gallon?  Yea, right!  Are you gonna stop using the ATM when they start charging 5 bucks per transaction.  As if!  Likewise, are you not gonna go on the internet anymore?  Ha!  Where are you gonna get your porn?  After all these years of not going to the porn shops, you’re gonna go back?  Shit!  I know I ain’t!
 

i swore to Ma, I’d never go back!

 
I love, though, how Time/Warner justifies it’s need to increase it’s fees.  Crying that the folks doing these massive downloads are clogging the internet pipelines.  Oh, boo-hoo!  Pul-lease.  I wish they would just cut the crap and level with us.  Just tell us you’re raising the rates because people are tired of paying out the arse for cable and now they’re going to the internet to watch their shows and you need to make up the difference in potentially lost revenue.  Whew!  Was that so hard?  Because, look, no matter what excuses they use, no matter how they try and sweet talk us, we’re still gonna gag the second that nastiness hits the back of our collective throats.
 
Besides, I bet you can’t guess who’s standing in line to fight the FCC on it’s new initiative?  Surprise!!!  It’s Comcast, Time/Warner, AT&T and the rest of the lot of broadband providers. You don’t think they’re gonna let the government give us something at low cost that we’re paying them out the ass for now, do you???
 
So, get your checkbooks ready, and brace yourselves.  Because no matter what they say, no matter how much they promise they won’t, sooner or later the broadband providers are gonna, um…well, blow their loads in our mouths.
 

thank you?!?!?

 
I just hope they don’t expect us to say “thank you” when they’re done.
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Easter recap

As I’m going to painfully remind you, Easter was a few weeks ago.  The time of year when kids get all jimmied up on candy.  I think that it used to be a religious holiday, but I’m not entirely sure.  I can tell you, though, that I’m tired of these stupid holidays and how the retail outlets are making them into buying extravaganzas.  WTF!  It’s bad enough Santa gets all the credit for our hard work.  But, the bunny too????  C’mon!  I’m tired of doing all the leg work and the fucking lazy ass characters getting all the credit. 
 
But, I digress…
 
On Easter Sunday, the kids get up ungodly early, even after warnings the night prior not to.  And if you do, remain in your bed, unmoving.  Or so help me, to the Christ, I’ll shoot that damn bunny.  But, they don’t listen.  The boys are up at the crack of dawn, raring to go.  After a quick prayer to the big guy upstairs to give me the strength (and energy) to deal with my overeager children, it’s off to celebrate Easter!  Wooooooo!!!!!




First, we have our traditional full-contact easter egg hunt.  Which went really well this year. No broken limbs. And only a few minor scrums. I learned a hard lesson last year. When my oldest, Trixie, collected 39 out of the 41 Easter eggs the Easter bunny hid. Whew! Talk about ugly. I might have to take the bottom three to therapy in a few years, they are still so scarred from the routing. This year, though, I let Jericho and Jethro go a few seconds early, just a few seconds, to find a few easter eggs. After that, it was every man for themselves. I think I only saw Trixie push Jericho out of her way once, maybe twice, to get an egg. I’m pretty proud of myself!

After the egg hunt, it’s off to the kitchen to dig into the ton of candy the Easter bunny left.  Because, believe you me, this easter bunny don’t leave presents.  Fucketh thateth.


that’s the bunny’s true nature

 
As the kids were shoveling candy down their collective gullets like zombies devouring live human flesh, the conversation at the table turned to the contents and the quality of the Easter baskets.


mmmm....chocolate

 
“I’m glad the Easter bunny brought us hollow bunnies this year.”   Trixie said, picking through her basket.
 
“Why?”  I asked, sticking my nose in the air.
 
“Because.  Hollow bunnies are better!”  She exclaimed.
 
I raised my eyebrow at her.  “You’re kidding, right?”
 
“No, dad.”  Barbara chimed in, stuffing peeps in her face.  “Hollow bunnies are the best.”
 
“Yea!”  Jethro followed up, spitting particles of chocolate all over.  Because, as usual, he standing on top of me.  If he were any closer, he’d be on the other side of me.
 
“Do you have to eat in my ear!?!?”  I said to Jethro, wiping the chocolate off my face.  I pushily guided him to his chair.  “Go sit down.”  He happily grabbed his basket and moved over to his seat. “You,” I said pointing to each of them, “are sadly mistaken.  Hollow bunnies are not better. They suck! The only way that a hollow bunny would be better is if it was stuff with more candy. Otherwise, you’re all out of your gourd.”


yea. That’s right. Easter Turducken!!!


“I like solid bunnies, Fadder!” Jericho finally chimed in, rivulets of chocolate streaming down his chin onto the table.


feast your eye on this one!!!


“Of course you do, Jericho.” I said, ruffling his blonde hair. “That’s why I love you the best.” Feeling something sticky, I looked at my fingers in his hair. For only the second time in five minutes I rolled my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. Still no extra patience from the big guy upstairs, though. I took a deep breath and questioned. “Please tell me that isn’t marshmallow peep in your hair...”
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thursday night teaser: There's something seriously wrong with my kids

It's been one of the days, folks. I had the best of intentions of getting something up here tonight, but...ughhh. So, you're stuck with a teaser. Come back tomorrow for the whole thing. But, just not tomorrow...

As the kids were shoveling candy down their collective gullets like zombies devouring live human flesh, the conversation at the table turned to the contents and the quality of the Easter baskets.

“I’m glad the Easter bunny brought us hollow bunnies this year.”   Trixie said, picking through her basket.
 
“Why?”  I asked, sticking my nose in the air.
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Adventures in Theater Going Pt IV

Finally!!!! The end!!!

Pick up the story here, here and here.

 
I followed Jericho around as he climbed in and out of the Thrill 2 Kill arcade game.
 
“Sir?”  A voice called out from behind me.
 
“Yes?”  I quickly turned around.
 
“Your kids are fine.”  The theater woman said, walking toward me.  “I told them you were still out here and waiting for the ambulance. And I gave them some popcorn, too.”
 
“Great. Thank you!”  I said.  “Were they ok?”
 
The woman shrugged. “They didn’t seem too upset to me. They were watching the movie.”
 
“Ok.”  I replied, struggling to keep an eye on the clearly feeling better Jericho.  She obviously didn’t know my kids.  There was no way Barbara and Jethro weren’t freaking out by now.  I considered my possibilities.  If I went back into the theater to check on them, it would be a real pain in the ass to leave them again.  And with my luck, the medics would arrive while I was in the theater.  Fuck!  I checked the time on my phone.  I’d only been gone about 10 minutes.  What the fuck do I do?
 
Just as I went to pull Jericho out oof Thrill 2 Kill, I caught the theater manager striding up to me out of the corner of my eye.  “The paramedics are here.  Sir.  The paramedics are here.”  She said.
 
And sure enough, two men in dark blue uniforms, carrying all sorts of medical equipment, followed the theater manager in tow.  Fuck!  I felt my face turn all shades of red, as I held onto the pleading Jericho .  “Dad!  I want to play the video games!  I want to play the video games!”  He demanded.
 
“Alright.  Alright, alright, alright.”  I whispered in his ear.  “After the medics check you out.” 
 
The paramedics had stopped in the middle of the lobby.  The shorter of the two began rifling through a bag he placed on the ground.  “Hi.”  I greeted them, stopping where they had dropped their things. My face even more flushed with chagrin.


i can’t believe I found a picture of the medics

 
“How can we help?”  The taller medic asked.  He pulled a small flashlight out of his pocket.
 
I turned Jericho to face the medics.  The lump on his head didn’t look nearly as bad as it did a few minutes ago.  I was really feeling like an idiot now. “He banged his head on one of the seats in the theater.”  I said to them.
 
“I see.”  The medic said, examining Jericho’s head.  He motioned to the floor.  “How about we get a better look at him?”
 
“Ok.”  I replied.  Kneeling down, I propped up Jericho, who wanted no parts of the experience, in front of the medics. 
 
“Hi.”  The shorter medic said to Jericho.  “I’m Jim.  What’s your name?” 
 
“Jericho.”  He replied, looking at every where but at the medic trying to examine him.
 
“Hi, Jericho.  My name’s Frank.”  The taller medic introduced himself.  “I’m going to shine this light in your eyes, ok?”  Jericho flinched, turning his whole body away as the medic tried to shine the light at him.


just look in the fucking light, kid!!!

 
“So what happened, buddy?”  His partner asked.
 
“I banged my head.”  Jericho replied shyly.
 
The taller medic ran a latex gloved finger over the bump on his head.  “How do you feel now?”  He asked.
 
“Fine”.  Jericho replied.

Fine?!?!? You should’ve heard him 11 minutes ago.
 
“Good.”  Getting up, the medics conferred for a moment.
 
“He seems ok.”  The taller medic said, turning to me.  “There isn’t much we can do here, though.  We’d have to take him to the hospital to run any more tests.”
 
The hospital?  Great.  “What do you think?”  I asked the two of them.
 
“He seems to be alright.  His pupils aren’t dilated.  And he’s responding to stimuli.  Did you put ice on the bump?”
 
“Yea.”
 
“Like I said, there isn’t much more you can do for head trauma, besides going to the hospital.”  He trailed off as Jericho broke away and was heading back to the arcade games.
 
I rolled my eyes, considering the options.  The kid definitely was acting fine.  “I think he’s ok, too.”
 
The medics shook their heads in agreement.  The smaller medic picked up his bag.  “Well, We’ll be in the area in case his condition worsens.  But,” he nodded to Jericho climbing back into the cockpit of Thrill 2 Kill, “I think he’s ok.”
 
“Thanks.”  I said, turning to get Jericho .  “I appreciate you coming out.”
 
“Any time.”  The taller medic said.  Grabbing his things, they headed to the exit.
 
“Thanks again.”  I called out.  I grabbed Jericho.  “C’mon.  Let’s go see what your brother and sisters are up to.”
 
**
“Where have you been?” Barbara hissed stuffing her face with popcorn. I sat Jericho next to me in the theater.
 
“Yea!  We didn’t think you were coming back.”  Jethro chimed in.
 
“Are you kidding me?”  I looked at the two of them.  “I sent the theater worker in here to check on you guys.  Didn’t you see her?”
 
“Yea.  She came up here.” Barbara said. “She gave us this popcorn.”
 
“Well?”

“Well, we still didn’t think you were coming back.” Jethro followed up.

I rolled my eyes. “Are you two retarded? I would never leave you here by yourself. I would never leave you any where by yourselves. Besides, Trixie was here, too.”

“Well, she was watching the movie.”

“You should’ve heard them, Dad.” Trixie chimed in from down the row. “They were crying like little girls.”


these two are calm compared to Barbara and Jethro


“No we weren’t!” Barbara and Jethro said rather loudly.

Trixie wrinkled up her face. “Yes. You were.”

“I wasn’t crying.” Barbara said a bit louder.

“Me, neither!” Jethro followed up.

“Guys!” I hissed. “We’re in a theater!”

“We weren’t crying, though.” Barbara pleaded.

“Yes you were.” Trixie said, leaning back in her chair.

“Shut up, Trixie!” Barbara insisted.

I glanced up at the ceiling. No sign of the big guy upstairs. Or a long overdue present of patience. The three of them continued to bicker. Maybe it wasn’t too late for those medics to take me to the hospital...
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Monday, April 13, 2009

I am so screwin' you tonight

I know I teased the shit out of the final installment of Adventures in Theater Going on Facebook. But, I gotta tell you, the ol' Jman feels like shit tonight. I literally got an hour's worth of sleep last night. For no particular reason, either. Now, my head's pounding like a bunch of baby seals grew thumbs and are exacting revenge on my mind.

So, you're getting screwed. And you're not even getting a steak dinner out of it. Sorry. There isn't going to be a Part IV. At least for tonight. Instead, I'm pulling one from the archives. Hey! Don't give me any of your shit! I haven't run one from the archives in awhile. Besides, this one's a classic. You'll enjoy it. Trust me. Just check back tomorrow for Part IV of Adventures in Theater Going. Well, probably not tomorrow.


by the Juice
Originally published 10/05

So, the other day the Juice is foldin’ the laundry. I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’: “The Juice, between workin’ all day for the man, then comin’ home and dealin’ with the kids, you even help out with the laundry? The Juice you are a true renaissance man.” I appreciate the sentiment, but the Juice is nothin’ of the sort. See, the Juice has picked up a thin' or two after bein’ married for so fuckin’ long. Now, I should seriously charge you for this lil nugget I’m about to share. I mean, this knowledge wasn’t just “jacked” into the ol’ noggin, like that douche bag in the Matrix.

The nugget of wisdom. As I was sayin', the Juice worked hard over the years figurin' it out. But, since I’m feelin’ generous tonight, I'm just handin' it over like I do with everythin' else in my life. I'm not even gonna make you scroll over the white space to get it. Nope! No work for you tonight. So, here it is (you may want to imagine a drumroll, it’ll add to the effect): Help out once in a while.

Now, I’m sure you’re doin’ a double take. “Help out once in a while?!?!?!?” Yea, that was written in English. See, the Juice has learned that if ya help out once in awhile, it keeps the “bitchers” off your back. And the Juice is all about keep the bitchers off his back. Unless, of course, you’re a glutton for punishment.

It makes sense if ya think about it. Ya do the laundry, clean the dishes, take out the trash. Shit, if ya do enough, maybe your missus will fuck ya. The Juice often wonders that if you were to do enough cleanin’ around the house, would that be enough for the missus to let ya fuck another chick? Does that point really exist? Or is it as mythical as bigfoot, the Odyssey, and the blow job party. My guess is that much like the Pentaquark, the cleanin/sex with another chick point doesn't really exist. In the name of science, the Juice would almost be tempted to try that risky experiment, but the Juice don’t have the stomach for all that cleanin'. I may help out once in awhile, but anymore than that is "work". And the Juice sure as shit does enough of that. It ain't like the Juice doesn’t do his fair share day in and day out at a job that I can’t stand. And then come home to a completely ungrateful family. Who just expects more and more from me. No, that ain’t me. It’s Pina Colada’s and glamour magazines all day, every day for the Juice.

But, back to the real reason were gathered here today, the Juice helpin’ out with the laundry. The missus was doin' a fair amount of bitchin’ one particular day. Some shit that I don’t do enough around the house. May be true, may be false, but she was bitchin’ nonetheless. So, just to shut her the hell up, I took my own advice. I got off the couch I'd been for the last four hours. I cut the lawn, took out the trash, and yes, did the laundry. Anythin’ that will help keep her trap shut for 5 seconds.

So, the Juice is foldin’ the clothes of the ungrateful. And after foldin’ a few shirts the only things that were socks. Ugghhhh!!!!! The one thing the Juice hates more than anythin' else, more than gettin’ hit in the face with monkey shit, is foldin’ socks. Dang, I hate foldin’ socks! I wish I had a trained midget to do it. How great would that be? Or better yet, an Automatic Sock Foldin’ machine.

Now, with that in mind, feast your eyes on this:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
click to get a bigger view.

Oh, yea! How about that? Pretty fuckin’ ingenious, right? How about a few close ups of the machine?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
outside view

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
inside view


I'm tellin' ya, these designs just might win the Juice the Nobel peace prize. Or science prize. I can't fuckin' keep track. But, as soon as the Juice gets a free moment, I’m gonna start workin’ on it. And don’t any of ya try and steal my idear! I’m already in the process of gettin’ it patented. ‘Cause, believe you me, I don’t trust a aingle one of ya's!!! C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Newspaper are still useful...for the bottom of birdcages.

Huffington Post - You blew it.

You've had 20 years since the start of the web, 15 years since the creation of the commercial browser and craigslist, a decade since the birth of blogs and Google to understand the changes in the media economy and the new behaviors of the next generation of - as you call them, Mr. Murdoch - net natives. You've had all that time to reinvent your products, services, and organizations for this new world, to take advantage of new opportunities and efficiencies, to retrain not only your staff but your readers and advertisers, to use the power of your megaphones while you still had it to build what would come next. But you didn't...


The only thing I have to say here is A-fucking-men!  Ok.  That’s not the only thing I have to say.  For the love of the Christ, when don’t I have more on my mind?  I’m worse than a lactose intolerant dude who an hour ago, chased a half gallon of ice cream with a gallon of chocolate milk.


you need one of these if you’re lactose intolerant. Porcelain just won’t do.


It looks to me that the newspaper industry is finally getting their wake-up call from Mickey.  Day late and a dollar short, but a wake-up call nonetheless.  And in typical lethargic corporate manner, they’ve just hung up the phone and went back to sleep.  And who are they going to blame when they’re late for their character breakfast?  “The internet!  The internet!  Boo hoo hoo.” 


oh boy! Newspapers sure are fucked!


The information/entertainment industry has been screwing the public for years with overpriced, sub-par content.  And now that the great unwashed masses aren’t paying for the content anymore, they’re losing revenue.  Surprise!  No one wants to pay for crap!  And we all know, whether it’s music, movies or a newspaper articles, it’s all suck ass, mindless drivel.  Most of it isn’t even worth stealing, let alone putting out your hard earned cash.

I’m not an economist, a futurist or a soothsayer.  But, I have a feeling that newspapers will be around for a long time.  They just might not be made of paper anymore.  But that’s what the industry is using as a scare tactic.  “Papers are going extinct!  What are journalist going to do?”  Papers aren’t going extinct.  They’ve been extinct.  They just haven’t noticed. 


i see someone not getting laid in a really long time. Someone who writes stupid stuff for a really inane blog.


There’s no reason why newspapers can’t still exist on-line.  The problem is that these corporate owned entities have not only been screwing the public with poor content, but advertisers as well.  Charging ridiculous fees for a dwindling audience.  If newspapers want to continue to exist, they may just need to be a bit more streamlined.

I’ve got a free idea for the newspaper crowd. Maybe they should team up with Amazon and the broadband carriers. Make a device that utilizes technology to have the content delivered to said device. Give the device away for “free” and have an al carte subscription rate. Kinda like what cable does now. You get a basic subscription to so many newspapers/magazines. For a few bucks more you get “premium” papers/magazines.


i have my newspaper reading device set to porn news channels


Ehhh...but what the fuck do I know? I can't even give my writings away.
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wi-Fi for the People!!!

CNET Atlanta and Philadelphia residents can get discounted Netbooks with the purchase of AT&T's new "Internet at Home and On the Go" broadband services with a two-year contract.

The company announced the program earlier this week, and it will be immediately available in select stores.
With this program, customers can choose from a variety of Netbooks, including the Acer Aspire One, Dell Inspiron Mini 9 and Mini 12, and LG Xenia, with discounted prices ranging from $50 to $250....


Now look, I realize the future isn’t coming.  Still, what bugs the hell out of me is why can’t we get internet access everywhere?  I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  “Didn’t you read that article, idiot?  You CAN get internet access everywhere!”  First of all, there’s no need to call names.  Secondly, I posted the article.  So, yea, I read it.  Duh.  My point is did you see how much AT&T is charging for internet access?  60 bucks a month?!?!?  What the fuck?!?!?




time to do some figurin’

 
Now, numbers aren’t my strong suit, but I’m paying 40 bucks for broadband at home.  And now AT&T wants to me to pay an additional $60 on top of that?  So I can have my internet on the go?  Does AT&T think we’re all Rockefellers?  Fuck!  And the music, movie and newspaper industries wonder why no one wants to pay for content.  Maybe it’s because we’re paying out the arse for internet service.  When I get a magazine subscription, I don’t have to pay the post office a monthly fee of 40 bucks to deliver mail to me.  In fact, not only is the magazine cheaper if I subscribe, but they often times pick up the cost of the delivery.  Weird, ain’t it?
 
Think about it.  I’m paying $40 for broadband, just to toss it “out there” for the taking.  Yea, I’ve got my signal password protected, but it’s still going “out there”.  And all my neighbors are doing the same.  We’re all throwing our signal “out there”.  So, why aren’t we sharing our signals?  What’s stopping us from sticking our collective middle fingers up at Verizon, Comcast and AT&T, pooling our resources and setting up a community Wi-Fi that everyone in the neighborhood has access to?  Think how much that would cost each person.  A few bucks a month?  WTF is wrong with us?
 
The thing is, that’s not good enough for me.  I want internet access where ever I’m at, at all times.  I want to be able to look at porn while I’m eating dinner at Friendly’s.  I want to be able to get my smut while I’m cruisin’ down 95 in my mini-van.  So, I’ve got an even better idea.  Maybe we should take some of that stimulus money and set up a Wi-Fi network across the country.  And sell the service as a utility.  How about that?!?!?  Fucking great idea, right? 


Porn’s the only channel this van gets!

 
It’s not worth it though.  Because we’d only eventually privatize the service like we did with electricity, and be back paying ridiculous rates.  God!  Isn’t corporate greed great!?!?  Privatize the gains and socialize the losses!


Privatization. It's the cat’s meow!!!


C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My boy's first April Fool's Prank

I’m not what you call a “morning” person. Truth be told, I’m not what you would call an “afternoon” or a “night” person, either. But, that’s a tale for another day. I give myself enough time in the morning to get ready and get the crüe up and running for the day. Besides, if I got up any earlier, I might as well not even go to bed. Maybe that’s why I’m not such a morning person.


Who the fuck does, Garfield?


Yesterday morning, I’m getting dressed for another day of laughs working for the man. My son, Jethro, is getting ready for school. Out of no where he asked me:

“Hey, Dad. What are you gonna have for breakfast?”

Immediately I look up at the ceiling, like by doing so the big guy upstairs will immediately send down the patience and strength needed for whatever the boy’s up to. He doesn't though. I take a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jethro. Why?”

“I just want to know. What are you gonna have?” He asked walking into my room.

Because I’m old, and I can’t eat anything anymore. I usually have oatmeal. But, I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I bought myself some Lactaid (again, cause I’m old and I can’t eat anything anymore) and have been eating cold cereal for breakfast. I figured the boy wants to pour my cereal. Already, I’m thinking of the impending disaster of him getting my breakfast together. So, before one word leaves my lips, I’m already backpedaling. I told you I wasn’t a morning person.


Yea. Don’t fuck with me in the morning!


“I guess some cereal. But, I don’t know if I’ve got the time.”

“What cereal, Dad?” he asked standing right next to me. Like he always does. Like standing right next to me will get my attention that much faster.

“I don’t know, Jethro.” I said, trying to contain my aggravation. Can’t I just get dressed in peace?!?!? Can’t I do anything in peace?!?!? He’s been up my ass since I opened my eyes this morning. “Life, I guess.”

“Okay.” He replied and scampered away. Before I could respond, another one of my little mindfuckers distracted me with some other pressing problem. Jericho, my 5 year old, was asking me again whether China was serious about pursuing a world standard in currency. I gave him some pat answer and finished getting ready.

***

By the time I finish getting ready for work, I’ve only got a few minutes to eat. Jethro’s already at the table, helping himself to a sixth bowl of Lucky Charms. I grab a box of Grape-nuts (because I’m old and I can’t eat a fucking thing anymore) out of the pantry and pull up a bowl at the table.

“Dad!”

“What, Jethro?” I asked a bit startled. I keep telling you I’m not a morning person.

“I thought you were going to have Life cereal”

What is up his ass?? “I am, Jethro. I’m just gonna jazz it up with some Grape-Nuts. Is that ok?”

“Oh. Ok.” He replied, turing back to his cereal.


Me and Grumpy here will totally kick your ass!


I probably would’ve wondered what was up his ass, but Jericho started in on his thesis why tax cuts would stimulate the economy. That kid is such a fucking Republican. Anyway, as the kid is ranting, I grab the box of Life cereal and start to pour way more than the recommended daily allowance. ‘Cause that’s just how I roll. As I go to add the Grape-Nuts for some spice, I look down at the bowl.

“WTF!?!?!?” I exclaimed.

Jethro nearly choked on this Lucky Charms he was laughing so hard. My cereal bowl was full of Fruity Pebbles. I look over at the giggling idiot, then at the box of Life. “I switched them, Dad.” Jethro said with a faux marshmallow grin.

“Ahhh...I see.” I said, smiling at him. That’s my boy! Already becoming a prankster. “You think of this by yourself?”
“Yup.” He said, proudly. “April Fool!!!”

“Joke’s on you, biotch.” I got up from my chair. “Today’s the 31st. Tomorrow’s April Fools Day.” I said as I grabbed his underwear and yanked them so hard, I think he’s still pulling the wedge out of his ass.

I told you I’m not a morning person.



Da fuck you lookin’ at?


C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Monday, March 30, 2009

This moment of complete randomness brought to you by: Rocky Balboa

I’m flipping through the TV stations last night looking for any reason not to be productive. At some point, I come across Sylvester Stallone’s movie Rocky Balboa. In case you don’t remember, this movie was the SIXTH movie of the Rocky franchise. It was released in that happy go lucky year of 2006. And like most folks, I stuck my nose up at it like someone was telling me I had to change a fat man's Depends. Another fucking Rocky movie? We all know that series reached it’s peak with Rocky crushing that Russian superman in Rocky IV.


you think Nietzsche had this in mind?


By the time Rocky V came out, I had moved on to other more “worldly” pursuit (downloading porn). And during it’s theatrical release, I definitely didn’t even consider seeing Rocky Balboa. What can I say? I’m pretty fucking rash, judgmental and bitter. Once I make up my mind something isn’t good, you best believe not only is it not good, it should never be spoken of again. And Rocky Balboa fell right into that category.

Besides, I just assumed that this was another reason for Sylvester Stallone to milk a bit more money out of a beaten cash cow. Did I mention that I was also pretty fucking jaded?

So, with my finger itching the channel up button last night, I gave Rocky Balboa an extra second. The next thing I know, it’s 45 minutes later, and I’m on the edge of the bed, cheering the shit out of Rocky. ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! I’m still fucking pumped from it. Almost makes me want to go out to the garage and throw some steel up. But, that would require some effort. And I’m in this 20-odd year lazy mode. I figure I’ll get motivated to do something productive within the decade. Well, the next decade definitely.

So, do me, yourself and Sylvester Stallone a favor and go rent Rocky Balboa. Believe you me, you’ll be cheering like the little school girl you are.


i’m saying that’s you after watching Rocky Balboa, not me


C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Of bank, bandits and bailouts

I find I’m getting sort of addicted to this whole financial meltdown thing.  I can’t get enough of it.  Every day, there are new twists, new turns.  It’s great!  But one of the best side effects of this whole mess is that the focus of the media is finally off celebrities!!!  Finally!!!!!  It’s so much better seeing footage of Bernie Madoff being chased down, then vapid “stars” with nothing better to do than adopt kids.  Not that there’s anything wrong with adopting kids.  I just don’t think it’s news worthy anymore.
 
And I love all the exposure that the AIG bonuses are getting.  But, I’m telling you, it’s all just a red herring.  For what?  Who the fuck  knows?  I’d wager dollars to donuts it’s all sleight of hand.  “Oh, look at what happened with these bonuses.  Whatever you do, though, pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”.  Maybe it’s the one trillion dollars the Federal Reserve just printed out of no where.  Maybe it’s the fact that AIG funneled billions of government dollars to other banks.  Or maybe it’s the fact that the administration has decided to let hedge funds bail the economy out of this mess.  Meaning, they’ll get richer or we’ll get poorer.  Look, I’m not economist.  I don’t even play one on TV.  I don’t know finances.  I can’t even reconcile my kids’ savings passport.  But, I can tell you this, all the attention these bonuses are getting is a front.
 

i hate when the curtain does that!!!

 
And if you think I’m crazy (and I’m not saying I’m not), then you should check out this article.  It’s probably one of the best articles on this whole financial meltdown.  It’s written by Matt Taibbi and it’s over at Rolling Stone.  Yea.  I know.  Rolling Stone?!?!  WTF, right?  It figures, though.  Because it’s not like you’re going to get this kind of explanation from your financial outlets.  If you want the truth, you have to go outside the source.  Look at what Jon Stewart does.  He can hold feet to the fire under the guise of being “funny”.  Kings had court jesters for a reason.
 
But, I digress…


Must work for AIG, Citi AND Treasury

 
Be prepared, though.  This article goes in depth, real in depth.  Best get yourself some coffee and a donut, because you’ll be needing it.   In fact, I read the article over the course of a few days.  This whole financial meltdown is one long cluster fuck.  The jargon and bullshit verbiage alone is impossible to follow.  It’s almost beyond the reach of mortal man, done on purpose of course.  I had to read a few of the paragraphs a number of times to follow what the hell was going on.  And no fault to the author, either.  What these Wall Street fat cats came up with, really bends all time and space.  The kind of “instruments” these guys came up with, couldn’t even be found by the Hadron Collider.
 

doubles as the Wayback Machine AND finding crazy sounding derivatives!!!

 
Basically, a few well placed people have been using Wall Street as one big casino.  I shit you not, either.  Wall Street bankers even got legislation deeming what they were doing wasn’t gaming.  If you’re getting legislation to say you’re not gaming, you’re fucking gaming.  Which, is cool by me.  I don’t give fuck one when people lose thousands of dollars at a roulette wheel.  Likewise, we shouldn’t be giving folks who crippled the system any money, whether it’s in bonuses or in bailouts.  If the likes of AIG, Citigroup, etc are “too big too fail”, then let’s do it the right way.  The government should take them into receivership.  Nationalize them.  Call it what you want.  Call it Uncle Joe’s Fuckaramama for all I care.  Just do it.  Get rid of the bad blood, as well as the bad assets, and then re-privatize them.
 
Let’s save the bailouts for the folks that really need it.  The homeowner who’s in over his head.  Not the one who bought the house to flip.  The one that’s living in the only house they’ve got.  Nah…why should we do that?  That’s {begin eyeroll} socialism {end eyeroll}.
 
I love the outrage against the bonuses.  I really do.  Let’s keep our eyes on the ball here, though.  Let’s not get fooled into thinking that’s where the outrage should lie…
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Monday, March 23, 2009

The real reason for global warming

I know who’s to blame for global warming. The answer may shock you. It may even scare you. Because it sure as shit (as it were) scares me. The reason for global warming? It’s my kids.

Okay. Technically, I guess it’s my fault because they ARE my kids, but I’ve tried to tell them. Over and over again. It’s no use, though. They don’t listen. And they’re not going to any time soon (because they are kids), so we might as well kiss the planet goodbye.

I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “But how could four kids, who’ve only been on the planet collectively for 5.5 years be the reason for global warming? Can’t global warming be traced to at least to the mid-1800’s?” Well, smartass, I suppose it could. So, let me re-phrase then. My kids are the reason this planet is doomed. Happy now? I didn’t want to lay that much responsibility on my kids, but you forced me, too.

Still, you’re wondering “how?” And “why?” Well, let me tell you. Those four kids of mine go through so much freakin’ toilet paper, it’s incredible! I don’t get it. I don’t know what they’re doing with it. I swear to the Christ one over-sized roll last a day in my house. ONE DAY!!!! I’d be willing to wager dollars to donuts that the average family uses one roll of TP a month! Not my clan, though! We’ve got to go through it like a taco through a tourist vacationing in Mexico.

My guess is that the kids are just rolling the toilet paper in big wads for shits and giggles. Then they’re flushing it down the drain. Laughing all the way! “Hee! Hee! Look at Daddy’s hard earned money go down the toilet! Wheee!!!! It’s a shame he doesn’t carry cash! We could cut out the middle man and burn it for him!!!”


that’s probably one roll of TP right there


All that rampant destruction of the rainforest you read about? That’s because of all the TP my kids waste! It’s not like toilet paper grows on trees! Elves aren’t growing TP in their magical forests. Christ, I wish! If they were, I’d kidnap some and make them grow that magical toilet paper in my backyard. Magical toilet paper! Don’t be ridiculous!


and this is where the elves grow their toilet paper



I’ve tried to reason with my kids. In a recent family meeting on the subject, I said, “Look, we’re killing the planet here. We have to do what Sheryl Crowe suggests and use only one square. From now on, one square per kid per visit. Got it?” Know what they said? “Fuck Sheryl Crowe. And fuck the rainforest!” Ok. Maybe they didn’t exactly say that. But, I could tell by their blank stares that’s what they were all thinking. Probably because this was the 5th family meeting we’ve had on toilet paper abuse this year alone.


neither is toilet paper abuse!



I could fix their asses (as it were), though. How pissed would they be if I installed a bidet? Nah...it’s really not that clever of me. My water bill would go through the roof. They’d be using it as everything from a dog washer to filling up water balloons.


"cool dad! You installed a water fountain!"


That’s one of the many things they never teach you about in school. How much toilet paper kids waste. Maybe if I would've known that ahead of time, I wouldn't have had so many kids! C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Good eats


Behold! Deliciousness!!!


You see that image? I want you to take a good long look at it. Because those are the best flippin’ chips on the planet. I shit you not! The best!

Now, you can’t get these chips just anywhere. Here comes the “krinkle” in the whole thing. You can’t get them at your local Target or Walmart. You can only get them in the “natural” aisle of your local supermarket. I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking. “All natural? Oh. That has got to be foul!” And, normally, I’d agree. Beause whenever I read something is “all natural”, my default reaction is rice cakes. Plain, ol’ rice cakes. Bleeeechhhh.

But these? These chips ain’t so bad. In fact, they’re down right...good. And let me tell you something else about me. I am NO fan of salt and pepper chips or salt and vinegar chips or any such combination. Uck! It’s like I’m participating in a salt lick or something. But, again, these chips not only defy expectation, they defy all reason.

So, do yourself a favor. Pick up a bag. In the meantime, check out their website.

And, no. They’re not a sponsor. And I’m not hawking my wares. They’re just fucking good chips!

C'mon! You know you wanna read more...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tough week for AIG

The Salt Lake Tribune: For many Americans who could use a bailout just to balance their checkbooks and make it through the month, the thought of their tax dollars going to million-dollar bonuses for AIG executives is enough to make them furious.

What’s the big deal? So what if they handed out 165 million dollars in bonuses? Look, numbers aren’t my strong suit, but 165 million is less than 1% of the 185 billion that AIG got from the govern...er, us, that is. So, what’s the big fuck deal, right?

I’ll tell you what the big fuck deal is...the government can’t put a decent deal together to help save people who didn’t speculate in the housing market, but fuck! Take some money, AIG! Take as much as you want. Need a few billion? Fuck it! Take 185 billion.


looks like Scott’s got my money AND yours


People are so fucking worried that their neighbor might get something that they don’t. It’s socialism. Whine. Whine. Whine. They shouldn’t have bought that house if they couldn’t afford it. People need to take responsibility for their losses.” Meanwhile, 70 odd executives at AIG last week were given a million each in bonuses. WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with us? The best part? 11 of them don’t even work there any more. And they still get the bonuses. And we can’t help people re-finance their houses? I’m gonna ask it again...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US?

And what’s the government gonna do? How are they gonna get that money back? Break the contracts? Post tax the bonuses? Uh-huh. Right. Good luck with that. We only expect blue-collar workers to break their contracts. Besides, there shouldn’t be any retro-collection of bonuses. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Let’s climb aboard the Wayback Machine, shall we? The year was 2008. Oil was well over $100 a barrel. The stock markets were starting to drop based on fears of a global recession and some clever folkels at AIG wrote some even more clever contracts in March of that year. Coincidently, we started handing money out to AIG in September 2008. Now, I’ll bet you a trip back to 2009 that those folks writing those bonus contracts in March, knew damn well the company was going under. I believe they call that fraud.


the wayback machine


So, instead of handing out billions of dollars, stipulation free, maybe the folks we voted into office should’ve had the fore-sight to check things out before hand. Maybe even say: “Hey! We’ll give you some money to save the company, but those bonuses? Nah.” Stipulations. Yea...that’s the key.

Now, the latest over at Yahoo! is that AIG CEO says employees starting to return bonuses. At least according to the headlines. And it just keeps getting uglier and uglier. I started writing this article on Monday. I’ve revised it each night due to new breaks in the story. I can’t take it any more! It’s nearly impossible to write pithy commentary when every second something else breaks! I’ve deleted some Class-A material because this story keeps evolving out of control. Like, now there’s this article over at CNN.com where Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner admits the Treasury asked for the loophole to allow these bonuses to go through.

Man! What a cluster fuck. But, guess what? It’s just the beginning...

Maybe we should just stay in the Wayback Machine and not come back to the present time for a few years.


we’d have to install a fridge
C'mon! You know you wanna read more...