Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
And make sure you don't eat any pig products, kids! Don't take any chances!!!
Here’s the thing, though. News is not entertainment. We might treat it as such, but it’s not. Whether it’s swine flu, bail-outs, or Miss California, news isn’t meant to be consumed continuously. Just because it’s on for 24 hours, doesn’t mean you have to watch it that much. You get your information and you get the hell out. We have to learn to walk away from this stuff. Seriously. Except for a small minority of folks, we don’t need to be in constant contact with the news. Your vigilance of H1N1 doesn’t make you more prepared. It only makes you more paranoid.
It’s all meant to scare the shit out of you. Because fear sells. Fear packs the asses in the seats. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the predictable news teaser that goes something like this: “What condiment in your refrigerator could be killing you?” Or: “The killer in your child’s toy box.” Then they go to commercial. It’s called a teaser for a reason you morons!!! It’s so you’ll sit there through the commercials about medications that you don’t need, like the lemmings you are. And the condiment that could be killing you? Turns out to be ketchup that’s been sitting in the fridge for 90 years that some moron decide to chug, choke on and die. And the killer in your kid’s toy box? Oh, that’s the legos you keep stepping on. The ones you keep yelling at your kids to pick up. The very same legos that caused your heart to seize ‘cause you were ranting like a lunatic again from all the stress you’re under. That’s the killer in your kids toy box. And the news does it night after night.
There’s a world of hurt right there
And look what ended up happening with the swine flu. The media pumped the hell out of it. We all watched every last second of the coverage. We we’re all sure that a pandemic was on our hands and, oh, wait a minute. Ummmm...it’s not as bad as we thought. Ummmm…everything’s ok now. Go about your business. Until we’re ready to scare you again, that is. Which will be in about 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Are zombies attacking? Full story at 11
Now look, I’m not saying turn a blind eye or not be aware of the world around you. I’m just saying get your information, then go about your business. Turn the freakin’ TV off, for the love of the Christ! We can’t wait for the news to stop spreading paranoia. That’s their job. We’ve gotta walk away from it.
Now I’m gonna go check out CNN. I hear that baby seals have suddenly grown thumbs and they’re really pissed. The baby seals, not CNN. C'mon! You know you wanna read more...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
It ain’t fucking sweet-tarts
No, it’s not swine flu. It’s pollen. Fucking pollen. Specifically this fucker:
Know thy enemy
Oak pollen. Stupid Oaks! I’ve got half a mind to rent a few chain saws and go on an oak tree massacre. I mean for the love of all that’s holy!!! The last two weeks or so have been MISERABLE! My brain hurts. My mind hurts. Ughhh! I can’t take it! You know what I’m talking about. The sneezing. The mucus congealing in your throat. The snot that just runs out of your nose and you don’t even know it, ‘til it’s hitting your lower lip. I’m sick of it!
Yea. That about sums it up
And that’s not even the worst part. If the zombies ever take over in early spring, I’m fucked. Because I’m sure some zombie-hunter will mistake me for a flesh-eater. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel like I haven’t slept a wink in days. God damn sinuses!!! If this tree-blooming season takes any longer, I’m gonna punch some holes into my sinus cavities. With a spoon!
And every year “they” say: “Oh! This is a bad year for pollen.” Saying shit like that is like when the weatherman starts yaking about the humidity on the world’s hottest day. If it’s hot...it’s fucking hot! Who gives a shit about the humidity! Or the wind chill factor in winter time. It’s fucking cold. Likewise, don’t sell me this shit that this is a bad year for pollen. EVERY FUCKING YEAR IS A BAD YEAR FOR POLLEN!
god i love the smell of pollen in the morning!
My question for you is...do you even know what pollen is? Yea, sure it’s the filth covering your car every morning. But, do you know what it really is?
How the fuck does this microscopic cell of emptiness cause so much misery?!?
Let me dumb it down a shade for you non-scientician types in the audience. Pollen is flower sperm. Yea, you read that right. SPERM!!! Could it possibly get any worse? Nah...don't answer that.
Just in case you need a visual
Just remember...it's supposed to be a bad year for pollen! Now, you'll excuse me, while I go hack up a tonsillolith. C'mon! You know you wanna read more...