Sunday, May 3, 2009

What is a fine powder consisting of microgametophytes?

Maybe you’ve noticed the lack of quality content around here, lately. And you’re probably wondering: “WTF!!!” Am I right? You’ve probably been wondering: “What’s up with this jackhole, anyway? Is Jman giving up already? It must be another woman.” Well, if that’s what you’re wondering, you couldn’t be more wrong. You want to know what’s up? You want to know what my damage is? It’s this:



It ain’t fucking sweet-tarts


No, it’s not swine flu. It’s pollen. Fucking pollen. Specifically this fucker:


Know thy enemy


Oak pollen. Stupid Oaks! I’ve got half a mind to rent a few chain saws and go on an oak tree massacre. I mean for the love of all that’s holy!!! The last two weeks or so have been MISERABLE! My brain hurts. My mind hurts. Ughhh! I can’t take it! You know what I’m talking about. The sneezing. The mucus congealing in your throat. The snot that just runs out of your nose and you don’t even know it, ‘til it’s hitting your lower lip. I’m sick of it!


Yea. That about sums it up



And that’s not even the worst part. If the zombies ever take over in early spring, I’m fucked. Because I’m sure some zombie-hunter will mistake me for a flesh-eater. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel like I haven’t slept a wink in days. God damn sinuses!!! If this tree-blooming season takes any longer, I’m gonna punch some holes into my sinus cavities. With a spoon!

And every year “they” say: “Oh! This is a bad year for pollen.” Saying shit like that is like when the weatherman starts yaking about the humidity on the world’s hottest day. If it’s hot...it’s fucking hot! Who gives a shit about the humidity! Or the wind chill factor in winter time. It’s fucking cold. Likewise, don’t sell me this shit that this is a bad year for pollen. EVERY FUCKING YEAR IS A BAD YEAR FOR POLLEN!


god i love the smell of pollen in the morning!


My question for you is...do you even know what pollen is? Yea, sure it’s the filth covering your car every morning. But, do you know what it really is?


How the fuck does this microscopic cell of emptiness cause so much misery?!?


Let me dumb it down a shade for you non-scientician types in the audience. Pollen is flower sperm. Yea, you read that right. SPERM!!! Could it possibly get any worse? Nah...don't answer that.


Just in case you need a visual


Just remember...it's supposed to be a bad year for pollen! Now, you'll excuse me, while I go hack up a tonsillolith.

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